How to Execute a Successful Senior Slide

By Monica Nigon on October 31, 2013

If you’re a college senior and if you’re anything like me, you’re currently banging your head against your desk praying for it all to end. The readings are pointless, your time in class could be better spent on fixing your resume, and your professors are all burnt out old men who revel in the cruelty of giving you a ten-page paper. Yes, you’re terrified of graduation, because who knows what will happen? And yes, people keep telling you that you’re going to miss these days, that it’s the best time of your life, and I undoubtedly will. But to these guilt-inducing people I say, you’re welcome to do six readings about search engine algorithms and its relationship to democracy for me. And yes, that’s what I should be doing right now. But in proper form, I’m not. I’m procrastinating, I’m whining, I’m watching TV, I’m taking unnecessary naps, and I’ll admit, sometimes I just wander around my house aimlessly looking for some sort of distraction.

I’m on the way to becoming the best senior slacker you’ve ever seen. It takes a lot of work to become this good at it. Or in this case, a lot of lack of work. If you feel like you’re just pushing yourself a little too hard, that you’d really like to dabble in this senior slide thing, then read on. Here’s my advice on how to execute a successful senior slide.

1. Arrive late to class. Every class, every day. You’ll soon become known as THAT person, and your classmates will shake their heads and give you shameful looks. Feel free to stick our your middle finger at them. Make a lot of noise as you walk in, take a long time opening up your backpack, and forget your pencils so you have to make a scene asking all the people around you for a writing utensil. Ruffle your papers a lot.

2. Sit in the back of lecture. After you’ve made your big scene, feel free to relax. Find a nice seat behind a really tall person or a girl with big hair. Feel free to doodle, make to-do lists that you’ll never complete, or fall asleep. Indeed, my 1:00-2:15 lecture has become the site for my designated afternoon nap. Just be sure to mop up your drool as you leave, which you should do early.

3. Don’t participate in your discussion sections. You won’t be able to anyway, because you haven’t done your homework. You’ll have no idea what anyone is talking about. If your TA directs questions your way, it’s best to riffle through your “notes” (a.k.a. notebook full of your drool and doodles) for an extended period and turn desperately to the people next to you for help until he/she takes mercy and turns to someone else.

4. Get really addicted to the snooze button. As a service that I never fully utilized before, I wonder how I ever lived without it. Just try it for a week. Soon you’ll find yourself pushing the button multiple times, because there’s just nothing more satisfying than rolling over and going back to sleep, even if it’s just for 10 minutes. This skill will also help you be late to class (see point one).

5. Don’t shower daily. Who has time for that anyway, between not doing your homework and watching Netflix? It’s not gross once you get used to it. You’ll probably want to misplace your hair brush so you don’t have to use that either. I’d still recommend deodorant, however. Makeup? Just don’t. Who are you trying to impress?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_cAS-mvV20

6. Give yourself a long weekend. Making your schedule so you don’t have classes on Friday is nice, but heck, just skip those classes anyway. You deserve it! You’ve been working hard all week! And if you’re thinking of going out of town, just skip Monday too; they’re too rough to deal with at this point in your college career. To make it a full weekend, I suggest leaving Thursday night and coming back Monday night. Leave again Thursday night.

7. Drink a lot of alcohol. No explanation needed.

8. Just relax and stop worrying about the future. Although I can’t speak from an experienced point of view on this, I have faith that this will all work out. We’ll all be fine out there, it will just take time. For now, just enjoy yourself and have fun: the very essence of being a slacker.

Slack on, seniors.

 

 

 

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